Sound familliar to anyone?

ITS BEEN ONE OF THOSE YEARS 
BY JAMES KAVANAUGH

Its been one of those years of colds and strange infections
When immortality gets shakey and I wish poets could afford insurance that covers more that terminal something

so i decided  to start listening to the half of californa that makes a living giving holistic health tips to the other half

i began by drinking two gallons of water a day as advised to flush out all the poisons
until i learned at a wedding reception that i was abusing my kidneys and absorbing aquatic impurities

so i turned to milk at the suggestion of a bearded nutritionist with puffy cheeks
Until I heard that all "dairy" was dangerous after infancy and cheese giveaways were related to genocide

later a lean ascetic insisted that citrus fruits were suitable only for people in the tropics
and since the experts said I wasn't far enough north for red meat, nor far south enough for dedicated vegetarianism,
I either had to move to Alaska or rely on vitamins

When I chose vitamins out of deference to high interest rates, an oriental homeopath insisted I needed minerals.

Everyone agreed that green vegetables were outstanding except a stanford nutritionist who said they caused depression

And truly sensible digestions inclided cereals, brown rice, and four asprin a day.
An eminent doctor with two books once in print said to listen to my body.

But when my body requested two dozen chocolate chip cookies and a quart of rocky road ice cream, he sighed and said I was starved for protein.

So without water, oranges, red meat, green, vegetables, or chocolate cookies, I've been living on Jack Daniels and fritos and haven't felt better for months.